I Just Might Have a Life

So I haven't been around much the last few days. There has been a lot going on. Jigger is preparing for his trip so there were embassy meetings and medical exams. Then there was the whole fridge fiasco which is fixed now btw. I know you all have been dying of anticipation to know if we had got it fixed or not so yea it's fixed. You can relax now. 

This is Jigger's first real trip and I think I am more excited about it than he is. I mean he is very happy to be going, but I love the whole process of traveling. Seeing new things, meeting new people, learning new cultures. I love the smells, the sounds, the whole sha-bang. I am so excited that he will get to experience it. It is definitely something that he never even bothered dreaming about because he considered it such an impossibility and now he is doing it. 

This is also a very strange new feeling for me. Being happy for someone else especially when they are doing something I want so very badly. I would literally chew off my arm if I could go, but sigh I am unable to. Stupid ass visa. 

Ordinarily I would feel cheated and I admit when I first found out I couldn't go, I could feel the pain of loss and rejection beginning to seep into me. But I forced myself to be "happy" for him. He deserves this just as much as anyone else and hopefully one day I will get to go too. At first the feelings were forced and not genuine, but now seeing him starting to get excited about going, I really do feel happy for him. I don't feel that pain of loss. I don't feel like I am being cheated or forgotten. In some ways I feel like I am also going. I can feel it through him and that is definitely new for me. 

I am not quite sure what to do with these feelings. They are very strange and foreign to me. I think that is something a lot of people don't understand. People think I don't want to be happy, but since I have never truly known "happiness" or "calm" whenever those feelings come I honestly get scared by them. I don't know what they are. I don't know if I can trust them. I have become so attached to my pain that anything that tries to take it from me I push away and that includes the feeling of "happiness". The pain is the one constant in my life of chaos. The one thing I could always count on being there. In some ways, it has become my "security blanket" and the thought of it being taken is as traumatic to me the same way it is traumatic to a two year old who has to wait for his/her blankey to be washed. 

So I am just sort of riding this new found feelings. Trying to get comfortable in them. Trying to enjoy being with Jigger and spending time with him because he will be leaving in a couple weeks. 

I actually am starting to think I might miss him when he is gone. Just a little.