Make A Wish Mummy Dear

Today is my mum's birthday. It's funny how now I remember but before I never did. I haven't seen or spoken to her since 2004. She might be dead for all I know or care. It's strange. I want to hate her. At least then I would have some emotion. Some feeling, but there is just numb. I am not sure if I ever truly loved her. Maybe when I was little. Before I could fully understand her.

The last time I saw her I almost killed her. If my uncle and gramps hadn't pulled me off of her I am certain I would have beaten her to death. I only regret that I didn't finish the job. My last words to her were "Rot in hell bitch" as I spit in her face. That was the last time I really saw anyone in my family.

I won't ever forget that day. I don't remember many days but that day is one I will never forget. My mother never wanted to divorce my father. I don't know if she got off on getting the hell beat out of her or what the attraction was. That day I had found out she had taken  my children to visit him. When I asked her why and how could she? She just looked at me and laughed, asked me if I was "jealous".

That was when I came unglued and began screaming at her. My father is a rapist. I don't use the word "incest" or "molested". Those words are too nice. What my father did was rape. It doesn't matter that I was 4. It doesn't matter that I was his daughter. It was still rape.

Not that anyone in my family ever talked about it. Oh no. No one was allowed to talk about it. Just pretend it didn't happen. But that day all of the rage I had kept bottled inside of me for more than 15 years just exploded.

I grabbed her by the hair of  her head and threw her to the ground, sat on top of her and began pounding. With each hit, I would ask

"WHY?! "

Why didn't you protect me?

Why did you let that man rape me?

Why do you still love him more than me?

Why do you still choose him over me?

Why don't you love me like a mother should love a daughter?

"WHY?!"

As Uncle and Gramps pulled me off of her, she gave me the answer.

"Because you deserved it"

Four little words that tore through me like a bullet. I died that day. That was the day  my whole world began to unravel. That was the day my mind left this world and entered an alternate universe. Four words that no child should ever have to hear. I lost my job, my home, my life because of four words. I had endured pain, sorrow, beatings, rape, torture, fear, but those four words did to me what years of abuse and insanity couldn't. They broke me.

I hated her more than I ever did my father. I blamed her more than I ever blamed him. Even though he did the actions. I blamed her for staying. For loving him instead of me. How bad must a child be that its own mother would love the man who raped her child more than the child itself?

 I am still looking for the answer.

I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go

"die another day - madonna"