Toxic

Why is it we ,or well me I guess I should say, crave toxicity? When my world is settled, why do I crave jumping off a cliff? I think about some of the things I did in my past and even though they caused me such terrible pain and loss, I miss it. I miss the excitement, the fast pace, the adrenaline rush. Sneaking around, trying not to get caught. Being quiet when a certain number appears on the caller ID.

The rush. The power. I LOVED it as much as I HATED it. There are times I find myself looking up old pics on the net. Remembering what I did there. Being a part of it all. There is a small part of me that longs for that. Yet I know none of it was real. It was poison, but I crave it.

Sometimes Jigger notices. The sparkle in my eye when I talk about certain things or see an old photo. It hurts him so. Makes him feel inadequate. He can't understand why I still have a longing for that life. I don't understand why I still do. He takes it personal and it isn't. It has nothing to do with him. I am not unhappy and truth be told I would never leave my world now to return to that life.

But yet there was something powerful and magical about being out in the desert late at night. The roar in my ears. The smell of burnt rubber. Why can't I just be fucking normal? Sigh.

I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic?
And I love what you do
Don't you know that you're toxic?

"toxic-britney spears"