Nothing but the Truth

I am a compulsive liar. What is a compulsive liar?

Compulsive Liar

A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship

The terms Pathological Liar, Habitual Liar and Chronic Liar are often used to refer to a Compulsive Liar.




I lie about the most mundane stupid things. It is a compulsion that I cannot control. I lie because I fear the reaction of the person if I tell the truth. I have read that people with bipolar lie frequently, but I think for me it is more than just the bipolar. I grew up in an extremely abusive home. My father was an alcoholic. He beat my mother, molested me.

By the time I was 5 and started kindergarten, I was an excellent liar. "Oh MJ, how did you get that bruise, sweetie? I fell down off my bicycle". It was instant. No thought was necessary. The lie came to me as easily as the truth. Even if you catch me in a lie, I will lie my way out of it. Sometimes I convince myself the lie is the truth. I have done this so much that I actually have moments and memories that I am uncertain if they are real or just something I made up.

What people don't understand is that I don't want to lie. I want to be able to tell the truth, but I can't. It is an irrational unexplainable fear. My whole life I have been told I wasn't good enough. That I was bad. That no one would love me. So I lie because who could accept me if I said the truth? Except that people get angry and upset when they find out I lied especially when it is a stupid lie that was totally unnecessary. I lose friends because of this which only re-enforces my need to lie. It re-enforces the irrational thoughts of not being "good enough".  Confused by that? Me too. In a rational mind, you would think "hmmm I won't lie then people won't get mad at me", but in an irrational illogical bipolar mind it becomes "see I told the truth and they got mad and left. this is why I should have just lied".

I don't know if I will ever be able to stop. Now it is a subconscious act. Trying to stop lying would be like trying to stop breathing and somehow still survive. How does one do that?

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life

'Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just u + ur hand tonight

"u + ur hand - pink"