Good Bye

I love you all. You gave me so much in the short time I knew you and I will forget you. Be safe and take care.

Wall House (Groningen

Wall House (Groningen

Just One for Me Please

So I have been out of it for the last few days. Last couple weeks actually. I am certain a lot of it has to do with me not being medicated. I am also a rapid cycler* which doesn't help matters and I tend to "switch"*  regularly which only makes me even harder to get along with. It's like being on a never ending roller coaster. I appreciate all of you hanging in there with me. It's strange for me to have so "many" people that I am interacting with. Something about the distance of being "online" makes it easier for me to interact with so many people all at once.

Offline however is a far different story. I often only have ONE friend at a time. I watch ONE TV show at a time (when/if I watch TV that is). I have ONE food that I eat (when/if I eat). My life offline revolves around the singular. Anything plural makes me nervous, anxious, panicky. Having more than ONE friend at a time is just more than my brain can comprehend. I stress myself out and worry that one will become jealous if I spend time with the other. Or even worse they will become friends and BOTH leave me.

I feel I have more control in my online relationships. I can turn them on or off as I see fit. I can reply when I choose and there isn't the feeling of having to put on a "front". If I am feeling pissy, then I just don't come online. No need to explain my absence. No need to answer unwanted questions. When I make a post saying I am having an off day, the people here understand and don't push me beyond my comfort zones. Maybe it's because the majority of my online relationships are also with people who have bipolar or another PD so there is an understanding that doesn't exist with the people offline because none of them have bipolar and/or don't know that I have it.

I have had to do quite a bit of physical work the last few days which has helped me to kick depression out of my bed sooner than I normally would have. I have noticed that the more physically active I am the less severe my depression is and the less it stays. The problem is that I can't always be as active as I have been the last few days so when depression rears its ugly head, it usually bends me over and has its way with me for as long as it wants and only leaves when it's good and ready to.

rapid cycling: The official definition of rapid cycling is four or more distinct episodes of depression and hypo/mania a year. 

switch:   If you go from one episode DIRECTLY into another type of episode, with no normal mood period in between, this is a "switch," which is usually considered worse than just plain rapid cycling.

When shadows paint the scenes
Where spotlights used to fall
And I'm left wondering
Is it really worth it all?

There's a peace inside us all
Let it be your friend
It will help you carry on In the end
There's a peace inside us all 

"inside us all -creed"

Funky Junk Farm Table

Joining Donna's Funky Junk Farm Table Party...

 The feet are fashioned from the over 100 year old siding from our home...Josh joined them together, just like the feet he puts on his potting tables...

Josh made this table using an old door for the top...it will be on sale at the Mabank Arts Festival in May...

We have a lot of things in the Victorian Lady Tea Room, too...post soon with pics of new spring decor...





This is a display table he made for the Vicotrian Lady Tea Room in Mabank...

 It is very long and at the front entrance..

 This little red table was all to pieces and missing some pieces.  It was laying outside a junk place in Malakoff, Josh bought it from Coach for a buck and put it back together...





















































Just had the best time at Winnie and Talula's in Athens...Ki is so nice, just like I knew she would be!  Love being around all the creativity!!!



blog post with pics coming soon



Weekending

Lezlee

Friday Forecast: Ziggy Sleepy Baamo

[Charles] Friday is for kicking the weekend off so if you don't know what to do then why don't you do what I would do if I got to do all that I want to do. Huh? Just keep reading... here's three for the masses.

Friday Night - Ziggy Marley is at the Green Iguana?! Really?! You read that right. Ziggy Friggy Marley is playing at the Green Iguana on Dale Mabry across from the Stadium. Not even Ybor Green Iguana? I don't know how this happened but you better get yourself down there before he figures out what has happened and heads to the Mons. Of course the tickets are $27.50 so I gotta think that the Iguana has never charged that much for a show ever. So get out there and shake it people. This should be memorable - one way or the other.

On Saturday night - How about the Sleepy Vikings cd release party for starters? Over at the Crowbar in Ybor there will be some serious rock out while they kick off their world tour or at least their long tour through most of the US. We've had the luxury of getting to hear them often here in Tampa but don't mess around and miss this because they might just blow up and the last thing you want to do is try and catch some "southern shoegaze" at the Forum downtown. Plus - the awesome Florida Night Heat is opening and they are a super cool funky trio that always guarantees a good time. I haven't seen the other opener Guiltmaker yet but I hear nice things as they say...

While you're down there in sweaty old Ybor, sometimes it helps to take a stroll to another venue to cool off and text your buddies or to tweet about how awesome Saturday night is to your followers. So anyhow, if you do manage to peel yourself away from the show at Crowbar then I would suggest heading to New World for the BAAMO showcase of local artists and the release of their new compilation CD. This one is called Tales of Highways and Low Roads and features such artists as Alexander and the Grapes, Rebekah Pulley, Will Quinlan, The Woeful Ones, and The Human Condition. All of those folks and more are on the cd and the show starts at 5:00. What better way to start a long Saturday night than in support of local music?

Also, don't miss out on the Seed Swap Anniversary Party at the Independent on Sunday from 4-6. Its a potluck kind of a thing so bring a snack and have a beer -

From the invite -

"Join us for our 2nd Birthday Party and 1st Annual Seed Swap! Bring your seeds to share and come listen to some great music and enjoy the fare of The Independent, along with bringing in your own dish to share! Show us what you can cook!
We will also be holding an awards ceremony to thank everyone who has been an integral part of the garden being such a great thing to be a part of."

Houses Designed By Crazy

Houses Designed by Crazy

More Roundtop Eye Candy...

me and cousin Sherri...

 me and The Mindy

More later gator...



                                                                       me and Susie

Remembering Round Top

Lezlee

Weird Houses

weird houses

Weird Houses In The World

Weird houses in the world

Tornado Alley

It's been a stormin'! Do you know where your flashlights are????

In the laundry room...

fox news tornado pics

Sleeping Tight!

Lezlee

Weird Houses

weird houses

Forbidden Desire

I remember the last time I saw him. If I close my eyes, I can still feel his touch. Feel him sliding inside of me. Consuming me. Taking all of me inside of him. Wrapping himself around me. Two beings becoming one. At first I tried to fight him, but he always knows exactly what to say. Exactly how to break me.What I hate the most is that he knows I am going to give in. We both know I am going to give in, but I so want to refuse him. To not allow him to enter inside of me, but he always gets his way. 

Always. 

The minute he leaves I vow that I will never allow him to return. I will never allow him to consumer me again. I will never allow him to take me, but then when I feel his touch upon my skin I just can't say no. He has his way with me and then when he is finished he simply tosses me aside.

until the next time.

I hate myself for allowing him to do this to me but his hold over me is too strong. Even though I hate what he does to me, a part of me misses him when he isn't there. There is an emptiness that only he can fill. His presence is comforting in the darkness. It's the only time I feel.

Not alone. 

I can sense when he is about to appear. My body betrays me and call to him. Calling him to come and take it.The way it is now. It knows he is about to return. About to consume me once again. I close my eyes preparing myself for the darkness and await for his first kiss. 

D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N.

Here Kitty Kitty Kitty

I know exactly how he feels!

Crazy And Weird Houses

Crazy and Weird Houses

Merry F'ing Xmas

If my family were a tv show, then they would be a combination of the Bundy's and the Simpsons. These are conversations that actually took place during various holiday gatherings. I tried to be as invisible as possible during these gatherings. They were basically a government sanctioned excuse for getting drunk and then putting lights on anything within reach.

"Put her down. Put your sister down damnit. Stop looking at her. I said stop fucking looking at her. Why can't you two just be normal? Go outside and play in the street for a while. You're giving me a headache. Well, don't just stand there. Go I said."

"For crying out loud. The gawddamn dog just took off with half the turkey. Who let the damn dog in the house anyways? You? Well I hope you ate breakfast, that was your turkey he just ate."

"Stop picking your nose and wiping it on me. If I wanted boogers on me, then I would pick my own fucking nose."

"Where are Andy* and Marie*? Has anyone seen Andy and Marie? You know they aren't allowed to be left alone together. You remember what happened at Thanksgiving? Will someone go find Andy and Marie? (mutters under breath) before there is another "accident"?"

"Where's the turkey? I thought you were making the turkey. No, you were suppose to make it. No, we agreed I would make the Xmas ham and YOU would make the Thanksgiving turkey. That was last year. We switched this year, remember? Oh! Well. I got some chicken in the freezer I guess I better get it unthawed."

"What the hell is wrong with this pie?! Why does it taste like that?! You put SALT instead of SUGAR in it! No wonder it tastes like shit. I think you have had enough to drink today. I am cutting you off."

"I thought you were putting the gifts under the tree from "Santa". No, you always put them under the tree. Oh well, she's 5. It's time she learned the truth anyways.Honey, there is no santa. Merry Xmas."

"Why does Aunt Sarah call her grandbaby "izzy"? You don't know? No. It stands for "is he his or is he not?" Get it? Izzy (is he). Ohhhh!"

"Where's my Mountain Dew*? Did you take my Mountain Dew? You know I can't go huntin' if I don't have my jug of Mountain Dew! Now where did you put it?"

 "I'll give you a dollar if you go pull down your mama's sweatpants".


A few seconds later, a loud scream followed by " but Uncle Jay told me to!". "JAY! Did you tell him you would give him a dollar if he pulled down my pants?"

Looking shocked, "NO! NO! I would never do such a thing. Did he pull down your pants?Really? Must have seen it on the TV or something.You shouldn't let him watch so much TV. Rots their brains".


Happy Fuckin' Dysfunctional Holidays to you. Pass the Xanax, turkey's gonna be awhile.





*Andy and Marie -not their real names, but I actually have two cousins who are step brother and sister that ended up married to one another. Their parents married when he was 4 and she was 2 so they were raised as "brother and sister" when they found out they weren't "blood" brother and sister, they suddenly realized they were in love and spent the next 4 years trying to be together whenever they could. After she went off to college and returned, they got married and you thought your family was messed up. HA! You can't outdo our inbreeding. We been doin' it for generations!

*Mountain Dew a.k.a white lightning a.k.a homemade moonshine. By the time I was 4 I had learned NOT to ask for a drink of that "Mountain Dew" . When I was 2, they filled my bottle with it and I  got so DRUNK I could barely walk which isn't that unusual for a two year to be stumbling around and unable to stand. Once they realized that no one noticed. They would continue to do this for about 6 months until they got me so drunk I ended up with alcohol poisoning. After that they only gave me beer. No more hard liquor until I turned 6. Oh and they would be my grandfather and uncle. The Brady Bunch we were not.

 This was for a writing prompt for Studio 30 +. The prompt was holidays with the family.

Maker Monday: Concrete Storage

Photos from Core77
[Charles] I did a little project with concrete resurfacing material last week and enjoyed it so much I thought I'd look for something even cooler. I was fixing the slope on a sill in our shower so the water runs back into the shower and doesn't puddle - pretty sexy right?! Well anyway it was well overdue, but I just happened to have some left over concrete resurfacer to use. I like this stuff because it is super strong even in thin layers without reinforcement wire. So lo and behold, today I'm looking for something to talk about and here is this cool thing over on Core77. I've seen tons of usb drive ideas, wood, plastic, star wars characters, old teeth whatever, but this is concrete. Concrete is cold and substantial and oh so modsexy. So see what you think of these little drives. I especially like that they carved little semiconductor board looking patterns in them. Now if only I had done that instead of just putting my handprint... Wait though - how cool would it be to put your thumbprint in the concrete as it sets up! Oh yeah, concrete project here we come.

Homes In Rotterdam

Homes in Rotterdam

In a Daze

For the last couple days I have felt like I was stuck in a fog. My head's all dizzy. My vision blurred. I feel like my head is some how floating above my body, not quite connected, but not completely detached. I hate having problems with my sugar. It seems like if it's not one thing, then it's another. So yea I am having a pity party today and you can't have a party without music, so enjoy!

Weird Houses

weird houses

Suicidal Tendencies

I have been suicidal  for pretty much the entire time I have been on this planet. It may not seem obvious to most people. I haven't slit my wrists or OD'd. I haven't painted the wall with my brains so people think I am OK. However I am far from ok. I am better today than I was before, but I still have moments. Some forms of suicide are obvious and others are more subtle.

For many years I prayed my entire existence would just end. That I would DISAPPEAR from the face of the earth or that the earth would open up and SWALLOW me. I did things. Things that would have probably KILLED most people. Dangerous stupid things.I did them hoping, praying that they would somehow ERASE me. All I wanted was for the pain to just STOP. It hurt so badly and if I could just VANISH, then the pain wouldn't be able to find me. I just wanted it to STOP.

When these moods come, I tend to disconnect from myself. Put myself in extremely dangerous situations, but what most people don't realize is that I truly don't know how much danger I am in. I truly can't see how far down the rabbit hole I have fallen. Sometimes I don't even know I am falling. There are times, even now, when I think is this all really worth the struggle? Would it be easier to just fall inside of myself and let the darkness take over? To just sit in the corner and cease to EXIST?

It does scare me sometimes that maybe one day I will fall into myself and I will get so lost I won't be able to find my way back. Then another part of me thinks, would that really be so bad? Letting the insanity take over?

I think what most people don't understand is that people who commit suicide don't want to die. They just want the pain to STOP. Most of the time they don't even realize they are committing suicide. The first time I attempted suicide I was 13. Severely depressed. It wasn't something I planned or thought about. One Friday night I walked into the bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet to look for the nail clippers, instead I saw bottles of pills. Some my mum's. Some my Gran's. Some mine. Before I realized what I was doing, I had taken half of them. I returned the empty bottles back to their place in the medicine cabinet, walked to my room, and simply lay down to go to sleep. I left no note. I had not consciously planned it. It just happened.

Before anyone starts getting the wrong idea, I am not suicidal. No need to go calling anyone. These are just thoughts that I think most people with PD struggle with. Fighting insanity is a constant battle that doesn't ever end. After fighting for so long, you begin to wonder if it's really worth the battle.