Make Up Your Mind

Conversations that take place inside my head:

1.)Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Please don't look at me.

Why aren't you looking at me?

You're NOT looking at me! Why the fuck are you not looking at me? Don't you love me? Why are you ignoring me?

2.)Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me Please don't talk to me.

Why aren't you talking to me?

You're NOT talking to me! Why the fuck are you not talking to me? You don't love me that is why. Why should you love me? No one can love me. I am unloveable. 

3.)Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Please don't touch me. 

Why won't you touch me?

You're not touching me! Don't you love me?! Of course not. No one can. Who would want to touch me? I am untouchable.

I use to have this argument over and over with an ex of mine. We would argue and I would scream at him to leave. Then he would start to leave and I would stand in front of the door and beg him to not leave me. It made no fucking sense to anyone. Not even to me. I didn't love him. He was abusive, cheating, and many other things, but I didn't want him to leave either. We developed a sick relationship that "worked" for both of us. We lived together as husband and wife. In front of certain friends, we were "married". Did all the normal things married people do. Then in front of others we were "roommates". We simply shared a house. He did his thing and I did mine. He had many girls on the side. I didn't care because he was close but not too close. He was there but not so much so that I felt "suffocated" by his presence. 

In the home, I did all of the "wifely" duties. Cooked. Cleaned. Sex. Then on weekends he would go out with his girlfriends. Movies. Dinners. Motels. I would go out with my friends. Visit relatives. Whatever I felt like doing. We lived separate lives but were together. In my crazed brain, it all made sense. It was the perfect solution. Until it wasn't.

I often wonder how long I would have stayed if he hadn't become friends with a guy who had a 15 year old daughter. She's his wife now. It was more than I could handle. Messing with his best friend's kid. It was too much for me. Too close to home. Brought up too many memories. I told him to choose. Her or me. Want to know the funny part? He chose me and then I walked away. I didn't want him. I left. I divorced him. Something sick and twisted in knowing that if I had wanted him I could have had him, but I didn't. It gave me a feeling of power and control.

The day he married her, he showed up on my door step. Wanting to know if we could work something out. I shut the door in his face.

Life's funny like that sometimes.

Make up your mind to explore yourself
Make up your mind you have stories to tell
We'll search in your past
For what sorrows may last
Then make up your mind to be well

"make up your mind - alice ripley"