Body

I thought I would continue on with the body, mind, and spirit post by talking about each one individually. I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I am certain I have one. How can I be certain? Well I am pretty sure it is not normal or healthy to not eat for days then suddenly eat the ass end of boar and then be so disgusted with myself that I don't eat again for days and then suddenly eat the ass end of a boar. I could keep going but I am sure you get my point.

I also don't look in the mirror often. About two weeks ago I happened to look up while I was washing my hands. I realized that was the first time I had seen myself with my glasses on. I could use the excuse that I don't wear them except when I am working on my computer, but I have had them for two years so that excuse just doesn't seem to cover it entirely.

There are times when I look at my body and see this:

Trouble usually follows after I start seeing her in the mirror. She doesn't think. Not about consequences or tomorrow or much beyond the next five minutes. She is impulsive, spontaneous, fun. Everyone loves her. Male and female. She is not afraid to try new things with new people in strange new places, but she is also tiring. She goes without stopping. Doesn't need sleep. Is always searching for the next high to numb the pain. Each high has to be bigger and better than the last. While I have enjoyed spending time with her, I am also glad to see her go.

Unfortunately when she goes, I usually start to see this:

When I see this, it isn't long before I have the razor in my hand. When I look like this, I cut myself off from the world. Don't talk to anyone. Start calling in sick for work or just not showing up at all. I don't shower this. What is the point? You can't wash that off. No one wants to see it. Not even me. I can sleep for days like this. What else is there to do? Nothing except disappear.

Reality is I am neither of those things.  Even so I still don't look in the mirror. At least not often. Occasionally I become curious. What do I look like now? Then when I do look, it is as if I am seeing a stranger for the first time. I will stare and wonder is that what I really look like? It's strange seeing your own reflection and not recognizing it. My eating now is much better than before, but that is mostly because of Jigger. When we first got married, I barely ate which lead to many fights. I began eating just to avoid arguments. Now after 3 years, I eat at least one meal a day and snack on fruit throughout the day instead of just eating sugar junk or crisps/chips. My eating habits may not be100% healthy, but they aren't bad like they once were. I can definitely tell a difference when I have too much sugar or caffeine. I become irritable, anxious, jittery. I avoid those foods as much as possible now.

Because I have a somewhat "regular" eating habit, I can tell right away when my pendulum starts to swing. I stop eating. Jigger and I start arguing. I start thinking about chatting guys up on the internet just for fun. I know it's time to stop and collect myself before I go too far. I have lost so much already. I don't want to lose what little I have managed to regain.

Sometimes I watch my sister as she fixes her hair in the mirror. Turning left then right. Making sure every strand is in place. Eyes open wide as she applies her eyeliner. Checks her teeth and then heads out the door. Sometimes I feel jealous. Wonder why my mirror is so broken and hers so perfect.

I have been pretty detached the last few days. Ever since I wrote about my delusions. That is why my writing is so shitty these last couple days. Never ending roller coaster.

Ain't tryna hear you
Just tryna hear me
Don't wanna hear nothing, baby its selfishly
I blaming you for the hurt in me,

but it's not your fault that
I'm so incomplete

"mirror- mary j blige"