Mending the Fences

Jigger and I rarely argue. We both are extremely low maintenance people so usually things tend to just float on by. However, when we do argue, we do it loud and proud. It usually is started by some extremely ASSanine event such as "keeping the bananas in the fridge". In reality, though it really had nothing to do with the bananas actually being in the fridge. 

Because Jigger's upbringing seems very "normal" to me, I sometimes forget that he also has his own issues. He was brought up in a very strict home where certain things were expected of him once he came of age. Marriage. Kids. Carrying on family traditions. None of which he actually did and the ones he did, like marriage, he did them in a way that totally went against his family's teachings. He has spent his whole life feeling rejected by his family. Feeling unloved and unwanted simply because he chose something different for his life.

So when I whined my little girl whine the other day, he exploded not because it really mattered where we kept the damn bananas, but because he felt I was "rejecting" him. I get that. I have major rejection issues. I ask him constantly "do you love me". My ears crave hearing the sounds even though he shows me in a 1001 other ways my ears still need to hear that sound. They need constant reminding. Constant reassurance that he is not going to leave. I need this much more so than others do.

It has been 3 years and in that time I have never really explained to him how deeply I have been effected by my past. I just expected him to know and understand something he had absolutely no way of comprehending. With this last argument that started on Sunday and has finally burnt itself out today, I really opened up to him and explained how I felt without accusing or screaming or calling names. Well initially there was some accusing, some semi-screaming, and a bit of name calling, but definitely not on the level that I usually do. It was a definite first. He learned something about me and I learned something about him through this whole process. I learned that when he says to "forget" my past what he is really saying is that "he is not like the others". That he won't hurt me the way others before did. He didn't know how to put it into words and I am so sensitive and don't talk about it, so he just was expressing it the only way he knew how. Instead of really asking him what he meant, I put my negative self-depracating spin on it. 

It's taken nearly 4 days and a ocean of tears to get there, but at least we have made it. Better late than never. 

Ohh and today Jigger brought home some bananas with him. I didn't ask him to buy them, but he knew I was out. Guess where he put them and I didn't even have to ask. It's his way of saying "I love you" without the words.

Because I want this blog to be a sort of documentation of my moods, triggers, reactions, etc, I guess it only fair to include the shitty part as well as the awesome epiphanies. The shitty part is that I have been cutting daily for the last week almost. I don't really know what started it. Jigger actually hides the razor blades he uses, but I know where he has them hidden. I use them then put them back. He has no idea. I had pretty much gone for almost two months without really doing anything, then suddenly the other day I was like a junkie looking for a fix. Yesterday that thought really hit home as I was sitting in the bathroom sliding the blade over my arm I realized that this must be what it feels like to shoot up. I never have, but I have seen enough people do it and the look on their faces and the way they react is very similar to how I think I feel afterwards. I don't know why I do this. I don't want to but whenever I get super stressed and it is more than I can handle, I instantly revert back to this behavior.

You're the one that I live for
And I can't take it any more
I love you
I need you
What can I do to make you see
You're the only one for me

"i love you - faith evans"