Second Guessing Paranoia

Do you see what I see? Probably not. I have often noticed that my perceptions of events are not necessarily what is actually happening or being said to me.This inability to correctly perceive what others say has often times landed me in deep shit. I have agreed to do things without ever realizing what I was agreeing to and by the time I did realize it was too late. Either I went down or walked home. Considering the walk home is over 25 miles and going down takes 5 mins. Which one do you think I picked?

I have also noticed in my writing that often times what I am saying in my head is not necessarily what comes out in my writing. I can only assume this happens when I speak as well. Which would explain why people get pissed at me a lot and the majority think I am a bitch, cold hearted, and rude. While I think I am funny, generous to a fault and charming.

Whenever I am having a conversation with someone, what most people don't realize is that in my head there are multiple conversations taking place at once. You may say "it's cold in here" and in my head I am thinking "does that mean I am suppose to do something, should I turn on the heat, close the window, did I do something wrong, is it my fault that it's cold in here, do I get you a jacket, make hot tea, but what if you prefer coffee, I don't want to ask because that might offend you because I should know whether or not you drink tea or coffee, but how could I know because we just met and I haven't had time to ask, but I did open the window earlier, are you angry about that? you're angry with me because yesterday I had the window open and now it's cold in here and you blame me for that and you will hate me forever and not want to be with me because "It's cold in here". 

I constantly feel the need to explain myself to others because I am so paranoid that something I say will be taken in the wrong way. I constantly apologize for things "just in case" I did something wrong and don't realize it.The one question I ask Jigger the most is , "but what do you mean when you say that?" and he just looks at me sometimes like he has no idea what I am asking because all he said was "it's cold in here".

I very rarely comment first on people's blogs and if I do comment first, it's usually a very generic "great post" or "I totally get where you're coming from" reply because those are "safe" replies that can't be misunderstood. If I want to write a longer comment, then I read what other people have commented just to be sure that what you said was actually funny/sad/angry and that I haven't misunderstood what you were trying to say.

It's too bad people don't come with a comment box. Wouldn't that be cool? Then when someone said something to me I could just look at previous comments and know how to respond. It would so make my life easier. Ok minions you all need to get working on this. People comment boxes coming to a Tesco's near you. Fall 2012.

It's funny this post actually came about because of a comment I made and then apologized for because I wasn't sure if how my comment would be perceived. I had an amazing conversation with the person (you know who you are) about this and I am very glad I did because I think that this must be something that a lot of people with bipolar and any PD really go through. In some form or fashion. Our world spins in the opposite direction of others and it's one reason I think we feel so alone and misunderstood. At least I know I do.


Actually a thought just came to me. Something I had never realized before but as I was typing this I just realized it. Living in a world where you can't trust your own perceptions, where you are never quite certain if what you're seeing is "real" or if it's just in your head causes an enormous amount of stress, anxiety, panic, fear, uncertainty, doubt, inability to act to move forward.

Imagine you're driving somewhere and you become lost. You don't know where you are or how to get to where you're going. You start to feel anxious, panicked, uncertain. You don't know what to do. Everything around you is unfamiliar. You don't know what is safe and what is unsafe.  Now imagine living like that 24 hrs a day 7 days a week 365 days a year for as many years as you are on this planet.

That's what it's like to be me.

Where you going now?
when your world's turned inside out
isn't love what it's all about?
where you going now?
when you get to the top of the hill
gonna be there yes I will

"where are you going now - damn yankees"